Pure love (A short story)

Hey guys. Here is my first short story. Don’t forget to give your feedback. Happy reading 🙂

pure_love___as__art__graphy_by_askinsuak-d4amjia

“Salina, where are you?” Amna cried.
“I am here,” Salina said; “This work overload is killing me.”
Oh, Salina, I am here for you. You shouldn’t do all this work by yourself.” Said Amna
Salina worked in multinational company in Islamabad. She was living a life, only few women in Pakistan can dream of. She was independent, passionate, and hardworking. And she was single. It wasn’t like nobody wanted to marry her; it was the other way round. She was not ready to give up her career for anything as mundane as marriage. Many marriage proposals that came for her didn’t want her to work. It was silly.
“Afzar came over the other night to meet Abba.” Said Salina to Amna
Amna was the colleague of Salina and she had been a good friend to her.
“He has come to meet Abba a few times.”
“So?”
“He eyes me so suspiciously like I am supposed to be in jail or something.”
“Why would he do that? He barely knows you.”
“I don’t believe that. Boys are good at getting information about girls. I bet he knows everything about me.”
***
Salina was very tired when she got home from work. She wanted to lie down and never get up again.
“What?” she gasped on seeing Afzar coming from the front door.
He looked up. The same you-are-guilty- look on his face.
“I am sorry, did you say something?” he asked
No, no, it——– why are you in my house every day?
“I need some help from your father, that’s all. And I got a job in your department.”
Salina couldn’t believe her eyes.
The next day they saw Afzar in the office.
“Is this him,” asked Amna
“Yep”
“Why did he get the job?”
“I don’t know”
“I think he is into you”
“No”
Why?
“Because I will kill him for that”
***
“I see, you have done a pretty good job.” Said Afzar
“What did you expect? Maybe you think that women are not capable enough.”
“No. it’s not that”
“Please leave, I have work to do unlike you.”
***
“Well done everybody, the project was a success. I am very proud of you all,” Anna, their boss said
“We are celebrating.”
“I see, you are not joining the celebration party,” said Amna
“I am not feeling well. I think I will go home,” said Afzar
***
Next day was Sunday and Salina was feeling an itch to write everything that has been happening to her since few weeks. It was a cloudy day.
“Maybe it will rain,” thought Salina as she picked up her bag and blue ribbon diary. She went to the coffee shop few blocks from her home.
She met her mom and dad in the garden.
“Hi, amma abba, I am going to coffee shop.”
“Wait Salina,” said Abba
“I have to go…”
“For 5 minutes.”
“How is everything going on?”
“It is fine. You guys did a splendid job yesterday,”
“Who told you?”
“Afzar”
“Oh… I am going.”
***

To be continued…

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5 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. me
    Aug 31, 2015 @ 14:59:13

    Hello Bariyah. Nice try, i’ll say…

    But these are my in-between-the-lines thoughts: I think that while the story has a lot of potential to be great, you have not put us through the necessary details concerning some of the major xters in the story- life Afza. Plus, the story was a little too fast- paced. I think that stories are best written as though you were narrating an ordeal to a physical person– so that you take your time to discuss emotions, events of time and place.

    Also, don’t spare paragraphs. Let there be ample spacing between conversations in “inverted commas”, makes for easier reading.

    Welldone Bariyah. Every great fiction writer starts from somewhere, and this right here, is a bold start! 🙂 ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  2. Nicola Young
    Sep 06, 2015 @ 13:07:36

    I love the premise of this story, with the idea of a woman trying to make it on a man’s world, particularly one where there is so much oppression. There is some great use of dialogue, but try to show actions through the narrative, rather than just telling the reader. Thanks for linking to #FridayFiction.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  3. bariyah faisal
    Sep 07, 2015 @ 20:51:38

    * my pace was fast.

    Like

    Reply

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